CC's Pieces- Providing Encouragement for Marriages
UGH! HE JUST DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ME!!
By: CC Sutton
Question (answer truthfully!): When you’re having a discussion with your mate, do you typically seek first to understand or to be understood?
While having date night with a couple of friends, the question came up from one of the ladies, “How can I effectively communicate with him?” (pointing to her date). She went on to explain that she feels like he doesn’t understand her and she feels it may be because they don’t really know how to communicate with one another. When I asked her the same question, do you seek to understand or to be understood, she answered truthfully, “to be understood.” After thinking about it for a second, she began to realize where their breakdown in communication was stemming from.
Effective communication is an art and can take time for some to grasp ahold to, especially since we live in a world now where we let our fingers do most of the talking. We also become too consumed with proving a point and convincing the other person that we’re right and they’re wrong. But everything should not always be about being right/wrong. Remember, you and your mate are on the same team!
While having date night with a couple of friends, the question came up from one of the ladies, “How can I effectively communicate with him?” (pointing to her date). She went on to explain that she feels like he doesn’t understand her and she feels it may be because they don’t really know how to communicate with one another. When I asked her the same question, do you seek to understand or to be understood, she answered truthfully, “to be understood.” After thinking about it for a second, she began to realize where their breakdown in communication was stemming from.
Effective communication is an art and can take time for some to grasp ahold to, especially since we live in a world now where we let our fingers do most of the talking. We also become too consumed with proving a point and convincing the other person that we’re right and they’re wrong. But everything should not always be about being right/wrong. Remember, you and your mate are on the same team!
MY LESSON
This is an area that I work on daily, but I've seen great improvement in how I communicate with my husband since 2007, the year we got married. As a new wife, I allowed my communication to be controlled by my emotions, and as we all know, men don't respond too kindly to that! I remember saying to my husband, Tristen, quite often "You don't understand me!" Never did it occur to me that I needed to first seek to understand him (must be one of the side effects of being an only child). But Tristen remained patient with me as I worked through it, and with time and MUCH prayer, God transformed how I communicated with him. Yes, wives, you will still have moments where you revert back to your old communication style (seeking to be understood). But with time, those occurrences become few and far between.
This is an area that I work on daily, but I've seen great improvement in how I communicate with my husband since 2007, the year we got married. As a new wife, I allowed my communication to be controlled by my emotions, and as we all know, men don't respond too kindly to that! I remember saying to my husband, Tristen, quite often "You don't understand me!" Never did it occur to me that I needed to first seek to understand him (must be one of the side effects of being an only child). But Tristen remained patient with me as I worked through it, and with time and MUCH prayer, God transformed how I communicated with him. Yes, wives, you will still have moments where you revert back to your old communication style (seeking to be understood). But with time, those occurrences become few and far between.
PUT IT INTO ACTION
Here are ways you can get back on track with communicating effectively with your spouse:
Seek to understand first. In order to do this, you have to allow your mate to complete their thoughts without interruption and show that you are ACTIVELY listening. Active listening means that you are focused on their words, tone of voice, and body language. Active listening means you are not formulating what your next response is going to be so you can one-up your spouse.
Summarize what your spouse has expressed in order to show you are listening and engaged.
Example: “So what I hear you saying, Tristen, is that you don’t like it when I leave the cap off the toothpaste because it gets messy, right?”
Here are ways you can get back on track with communicating effectively with your spouse:
Seek to understand first. In order to do this, you have to allow your mate to complete their thoughts without interruption and show that you are ACTIVELY listening. Active listening means that you are focused on their words, tone of voice, and body language. Active listening means you are not formulating what your next response is going to be so you can one-up your spouse.
Summarize what your spouse has expressed in order to show you are listening and engaged.
Example: “So what I hear you saying, Tristen, is that you don’t like it when I leave the cap off the toothpaste because it gets messy, right?”
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Respond in love, not tit-for-tat.
As a defense mechanism, sometimes when our spouse expresses they're upset with us, we retaliate with something else they've done to deflect the attention off of us. But the most effective way to deal with an upset spouse is to respond in love.
Example: “Well, I apologize Tristen for leaving the cap off the toothpaste. I was in a hurry, so I forgot to put it back on. I will be more mindful of that next time.”
As a defense mechanism, sometimes when our spouse expresses they're upset with us, we retaliate with something else they've done to deflect the attention off of us. But the most effective way to deal with an upset spouse is to respond in love.
Example: “Well, I apologize Tristen for leaving the cap off the toothpaste. I was in a hurry, so I forgot to put it back on. I will be more mindful of that next time.”
Remember that communication is about presentation as well. If you’re the one who is expressing a fault to your spouse, be mindful of your tone and how you’re expressing your concerns. Remember, “It’s not always about what you say, but how you say it.” Try these few simple things to show your spouse that you care about his thoughts and feelings…and watch how he returns the same back to you!
Seek first to understand. Then to be understood.
Seek first to understand. Then to be understood.
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Meet LWR Contributor Charisa "CC" Sutton
CC is a Blogger, Speaker, Natural Hair Model, and wife. Her blog CC's Pieces is a compilation of lessons that CC Sutton has learned from 8 years pf marriage with her partner in crime, Tristen. Learn more about CC on our Contributors Page!
Be sure to connect wtih CC's Pieces!
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CC is a Blogger, Speaker, Natural Hair Model, and wife. Her blog CC's Pieces is a compilation of lessons that CC Sutton has learned from 8 years pf marriage with her partner in crime, Tristen. Learn more about CC on our Contributors Page!
Be sure to connect wtih CC's Pieces!
Website Facebook Instagram